Sunday, April 22, 2012

While brownies bake...

It's a warm sunny day in Northridge but
it's raining down my face.
I'm missing Mom.
She's been in heaven 4 months.
No one but Gracie talks with me about her anymore.
It's all still really fresh for me.
I had never seen anyone die before and that's an image, an experience that doesn't fade easily. Especially since she was my mom. This fresh grief snuck up on me suddenly as I wait for the brownies to bake for Lydia's art show.
I want to tell Mom Larry and I are happy.
I want to tell her I'll be teaching Latin in a brick and mortar school in Fall.
I want to tell her I had a wonderful visit with my brother and his wife for a few days this week.
I want to tell her how cute my grandson is and what good parents my son and daughter-in-law are.
I want to tell her Rachael and Andrew are back in CA.
I want to tell her that Lydia will graduate college in a month and that her art show is Monday and that she is doing so well.
I want to tell her about all the ideas Larry has for new businesses he will start.
I want to tell her that Dad is OK and that he misses her.
I want to tell her that I forgot how to crochet and I need her help.
I want to tell her that I made rysgrynsgrot.
I want to tell her that I miss her.
I want to tell her that I love her more now than ever.
I want to tell her that I'm trying to learn some of her secrets of contentment.
Mostly, I want to hear her voice.


  1. I was at World Market the other day...and I walked by the old fashioned candy, and just happened to glance at the peanut gold candy, my Dad's favorite...The tears sprang forth as if they had been damned up. No sobbs or violence, just a gush...and with it such a tender emotion that can not be described. I just stood there, soaking it all in, and it was over as soon as it had begun. I was refreshed, and cleansed and then I moved on, with a peace that passes understanding. What gifts from God our memories are....

  2. I completely understand what you are saying and completely agree. There is healing in grief and tears. Being real with people and with God does not exempt us from pain; rather, we meet God at the point of our pain and find His companionship, comfort and eventually - healing.